It Was A Good Week… But At What Cost?

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                Not one fight this week and it has been such a relief.  I don’t think during that “special time” of the month I could really handle any of that kind of emotion, it was bad enough I had raided the store for a bag of peanut butter M&M’s and Funions. Never fails. Always crave those two items during that “special time” HAHA.  If you add any kind of anger to that from another party all you are going to get is a bunch of tears and me running back to the store for more chocolate and that wouldn’t be a pretty sight.  I have decided that this special time really is like kryptonite for me. The spine that I have disintegrates by at least fifty percent leaving my protective force field a little weak.  You can’t have a weak force field.  

                Last night started out with her asking if we could stop by, she had baked a bunch of baked goods for my father’s lunches but she had plenty that she wanted to share with us. This sounded harmless so I made sure my hunny was okay with going over there for a little bit, it was his evening off of work and I wanted to make sure he didn’t mind spending some of it over there visiting her. He was okay with that but I could tell he was a little skeptical that it would be a good evening. We went forth and got our errands done before we headed over there. She needed a few things from the store and text if I could pick those up on my way over and I did.

                We arrived and she instantly greeted us with a warm welcome, so far so good. The tension wasn’t in the air today was definitely another good day for her. Her place was almost put together, which I know that was a big part of it. Whenever my mom’s things are not in their place or if they do not look clean enough it seems to become so chaotic to her that in her mind she cannot get any peace till it all looks its best. The one thing I never understood about her constant concern about that was she hated people. She rarely had anyone come over not even her only friend unless she thought her place looked presentable. She didn’t seem to understand no one judged her for this since she was moving in, we understood that her stuff wasn’t all there and that she was still unpacking. Yet in her mind it was horrible and it looked like she was a pig and she just couldn’t bare it. When she had coughed so hard she caused a hernia her doctor told her she was going to have to take it easy for a while, in hopes that it would heal itself, I came over and caught her scrubbing the walls by hand with bleach to prove to dad he never helped. The woman was almost in tears because it hurt so much but due to her stubbornness and the anger inside her for the place not being finished she was doing it herself, hernia still intact and now possibly getting worse. I remember trying to take the scrubby away from her and she just told me to leave.

                Today was different, much different. Her place was almost in order, it smelled of fresh baked goods that she had been making all day and she was happily walking around engaging in conversation with my fiancé and I, talking about her camping trip with my dad last weekend, we shared how the reunion went, she actually listened, didn’t cut me off once. She then pulled out a box of pictures and we travelled down memory lane for a while, one baby picture at a time.

                As we left though I was disappointed in how I felt about it all. Although I should be jumping up and down for joy that things went well, we had a normal day with normal interactions, I was not happy. I was depressed. It was a great day, it was a great week, but at what cost? Let me list.

Took parents out to dinner the Friday before- $60

Paid their storage unit fee- $150

Gave extra for gas so they could go somewhere for their anniversary- $30

Helped pay for medication (I do this bi- weekly for her) -$50

                This also included coming by just about every other day of that week which isn’t something I can always do. So for the next week and a half I did some heavy thinking and still currently battling my own thoughts on whether it is genuine or if it’s because I have been helping her. I reached out and said hello the other day which led to me going over there but it also was with another request. Needed to stop by the store and pick her up something. I did this. I think though, what if I couldn’t have done that, I was running short on funds because of the money I loaned them and if I had told her no would she have wanted me to still come over. I think even these thoughts could just be me over analyzing the situation but I cant help but feel this way when generally the good days only last so long. At least when it’s bad you know it’s bad, when it’s good you always wonder how long this is going to last and when it’s going to be taken away from you. Even in the past I have noticed she wasn’t happy with any of my boyfriends if they weren’t useful to her, thankfully my fiancé had helped them out on numerous times unlike the others and that seems to be how she judges your likability by what you can do for her. Its frustrating. I remember those words coming out of her mouth in regards to an ex once, “Well, what good is he then?” this was when I was broke, they needed some help and he was jobless so he was out of the question to ask.

                So I will sit and count my blessings and enjoy the moment as I have been advised to do by friends, they know these spells, enjoy it while I can right? As much as this is not normal I will listen to their advice.

                I did try something different the other night though that almost makes me giggle. So I do enjoy reading about conspiracy theories, trust me, I do not believe everything I read but I do come with an open mind about it all. So with that said, I tried talking about aliens to her and surprisingly she loves talking about all of that too because its something both of us read about and watch and so we can share stories that we have come across with each other. My mother has a tendency to rant about a lot of stories I have already heard or she will start complaining about something for a really long time and the negativity can be draining, so when she started up about something I had already heard three other times before, I just said, “ How about them aliens? Did you hear the story about?….” It worked like a charm. I am going to see how long I can make that last HAHA.

The countdown continues : Day 20 of good days

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About nicolemae85

I am at a turning point in my life where I am taking it back for the first time. I grew up with a bipolar and physically ill mother who for the longest time needed rescuing on numerous occassions. I am 28 going on 30 what seems like tomorrow and honestly all I want to do is live the rest of my life as pain free as possible and positive. With some of my struggles I will share my story and hope that It can help just one person like some of these stories that have been shared have helped me. Her health isnt getting any better and neither is her mental health but I try to start over every day with her in hopes that in the end we will at least have a few good memories that I can hold onto. Mental illness is serious and many people are suffering through it, not only the individual but the families as well. Wishing everyone the best in this journey as I am just taking it one day at a time just like you. :) xoxo
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